Loss and found

As I grow older, loss has become a more frequent and personal experience. While I never expected to grow old in the first place (a common youthful trait), it did not occur to me that growing older would include a fairly constant grieving process.

Growing up, loss would come in cycles. Each cycle would have some space between for time to adjust. Most of the time, the loss was felt externally. Something is missing. However, when I lost people close to me, there was a part of my identity that seemed to go missing. Those people were part of my experiences that created my sense of self. Their existence reinforced my identity. Their absence removes the reflection. Now that the spaces between losses are compressed, there is less time to adjust.

Also, aging is adding to the mix. Loss has taken on an additional dimension of physical and mental limitations.

When I focus on the personal experience of loss, I forget that this is the way life has always been. While the world (both internally and externally) has changed a great deal over my life, it has always changed, and is always changing. When I was young, change (someone else’s loss) felt like an opportunity. That opportunity felt boundless.

There seems to be two important elements to this process. One is my role in the process of change and the second is how I feel about the changing.

Miles Johns recently passed away, and I was reminded of the feeling of identity loss. I served as Miles’ medical officer for Hope Island Fire Department just before he was fire chief. A few years ago, we also lost Jeff Thostenson, who was our truck captain. We were a good team for the time that we served together. Miles commented to me several times that we seemed to complete each other’s thoughts and actions on-scene.

While we were not close friends outside the fire department, we shared defining personal experiences that bound us together. While their loss initially felt like another incremental loss of self, I discovered a joy in a unique shared life experience. I felt blessed and honored to have known these men and shared life defining experiences with them. My loss was found.

The fire department has changed significantly since that time. Others are experiencing those life-defining moments with their team members. My role in the process is to personally accept change and to feel thankful for being a part of it all. - John Doyle